Platonic Love OR Peekaboo Love?

Dear Readers:

Once upon a time, if you had asked me my views regarding a lasting platonic friendship to exist between the opposing genders, I would have voiced a boisterous “yes.” I now realize, however, that the path of friendship in scenarios as these is riddled inevitably with one or the other individual developing attraction or feelings for the unsuspecting friend; the attraction or feelings may develop slowly, but it will definitely occur at one point of time in the course of the friendship. The only case where I find this likelier not to occur is when either of the persons in the platonic relationship is already infatuated with or devotedly committed to another individual (and sometimes even that is not a deterrent). Another friendship case that I find plausible in lacking the potential for romance concerns either of the persons in the platonic relationship “truly” finding the other person unattractive physically. And that lack of physical attraction can be a result of sometimes sisterly or brotherly feelings for the member of the opposite sex. Odd, is it not? I would never have realized the blurred lines in friendships between platonic love and potential for future romance had I not witnessed the events unfold before my own two eyes in the case of a very close friend. Though I had heard or observed such events unfold from both proximity and distance at other times, my friend’s case really jarred me awake to “peekaboo love” amidst avowals of “just friends” from people involved in friendships with the opposite sex.

Out of consideration for my dear friend’s privacy (in the unlikely scenario that one of you should know her personally), I will keep attempt to keep her identity a secret by henceforth referring to her as “Sandy.” Of course, I do not know of any person in my acquaintances’ or friends’ circle named Sandy, which makes the utilization of this name convenient for my purposes of building upon my earlier assertion of truly platonic feelings not possible in a friendship unless one meets the criteria in which I find this probability to be slim. Just to refresh your memory, the question is whether long-lasting platonic love possible in a friendship between the opposite sexes, especially when the two genuinely begin with only platonic feelings for each other. As my friend, Sandy, discovered, the answer is mostly “no.”

I had met Sandy in my freshman year of college. Sandy is a very lively, fun-loving, audacious, trustworthy, and loyal individual; to top it all off, she possesses a lot of common sense, which is why this instance would lead me to dismiss my earlier professions of only platonic love possible in friendships between the different genders. Since I had always thought of her as a person with no reservations about sharing her feelings with me, I was surprised to observe that she appeared nervous and a bit lost in her own thoughts that fateful day she told me about her not-so-platonic feelings for a certain friend.

Though I am a very perceptive person, I had dismissed my initial observation of her nervousness that day as overactive imagination because I could not imagine why. So, I continued to converse with a passive Sandy that day, oblivious to the turmoil in her heart. But in the middle of our walk on campus, I distinctly remember that she had suddenly turned to me. Biting her lower lip and avoiding my eyes directly, she had said in a simple yet hesitant manner, “I like someone.” My reaction, as the girly girl I am, had been an excited exclamation, “Really? Who? Do I know him? Tell me; tell me.” At her silence, I had said with a knowing smile, “So, that’s what has been going on in that ‘beautiful mind’ of yours? Me likey.” I had laughed at my own quirky remark while she had remained silent but shooting darts at me with her expressive eyes for (what she probably deemed) my ill-placed humor.

“So, are you going to tell me or what?” I suppose she had been unable to resist my enthusiasm because I could see her previously hazed, dark eyes light up with humor again. In mock contemplation, with a moment’s pause, she had said, “Or what.” In my classic, mature behavior, I had made a face. And she had laughed. I had asked again, this time with a gentle prodding and genuine curiosity, “So, who is he?” The name she had taken had halted me in my tracks. He was our friend. He was like the brother that I had never had. And she liked him? (I shall henceforth refer to him as “Xavier” in the post.) I realized she needed me to say something that was helpful, but I could not come up with anything at such a short moment’s notice. Plus, I did not understand the situation and was curious as to how she had developed her liking for Xavier.

Sadly, I confess to my unoriginal, pathetic query, “Why do you like him?” After she explained to me that they had been spending a lot of time together, that she found him nice, charming, and funny, and that “he rocked her world” with his idiocies, I told her that I understood. To be honest though, I did not understand. But since as a friend, she needed my support rather than questioning of her judgment, I asked, “What do you plan to do about it?” She told me that she would tell him. I was shocked again. (If I were in her place, my own cowardice alone would have kept me from ever confessing my feelings; as a disclaimer though, I wish to add that I have never been nor do I plan to be in her place because I do not easily befriend anyone, let alone any member of the opposite sex.) Though I supported her decision as a faithful friend, Sandy soon found out that Xavier did not share her sentiments. That is when I began to think seriously on platonic love.

Can there be platonic love between members of the opposite sexes? I think not, for I do believe that spending time with someone does develop within any person a “soft corner” for that friend of the opposite sex. Unless that “soft corner” is entirely fraternal and/or sororal in nature, I can see how people of the opposite sex can get easily ensnared in the tangle of false security of liking someone as just a friend and later realize that one has developed attraction or feelings for the person instead. Think about it: Great friendships, in most people’s personal definitions, comprise sharing of and honest dialogue on one’s emotions, desires, and dreams. If one inspects the instance closely, you will realize that the expectation from a life partner is very similar to the definition of a great friendship: listening, conversing, and sharing of life, dreams, emotions, and desires. Then, it is easy to see how the lines of friendship can become blurred.

I ask you: How can you not feel attracted to a person of the opposite sex that you feel knows you inside-and-out, can complete your utterances before you, understand your thoughts before you do so, can tolerate you for more than an hours’ end at a time, and accepts you as you are? Most people assert that they want to be able to imagine or see a best friend in their prospective romantic partner. Why? An ideal marriage or romantic relationship comprises of a friendship between the opposite sexes; that is why. After all, what is to say that a platonic friendship will not lead to the development of the foundation for love and romance? I harrumph at platonic love because of the lurking possibility for that “something more” in the platonic relationship unless the aforesaid criteria of “unattractiveness” or “fraternal/sororal love” is met that assuredly eliminates the possibility of future romance. And therefore, if you happen to assert to your friends and family about “just being friends” with a certain her/him, do not expect them to not raise their eyebrows. Not all friendships are platonic; in fact, many, friendships are not platonic, despite the original intention for it to be or remain so. Within the friendship might lie that “something” simmering below the surface that both people are oblivious to. But can you deny that it might be there?

Sincerely,
Ek Umeed

P.S. My post is not meant to be a warning against or disapproval of friendships between members of the opposite sexes but meant to highlight my wariness of such a friendship. Can friendships between the opposite genders ever truly consist of platonic love? What are your views on the subject? Any personal experience with the matter? Do share.