Marriage: To Do OR Not To Do. That is the question. PART 3

Dear Readers:

Maybe the best reason to avoid marriage lies in the fact that so many marriages in today’s day and age fail. And fail miserably. Why, you ask? The answer lies in expectations. Most couples have come to rely on so high an expectation regarding married life and their ideal spousal partner that when the time comes for living the dream, they get a rude shock: The reality check of why-did-I-ever-marry-the-idiot when the individual is clearly below outstanding. How can a couple really sustain a marital relationship past the stage of its infancy when they have never thought past the walks in the sunset, candlelight dinners, and hanky-panky? The problem is that Bollywood/Hollywood has brainwashed young, unmarried women and men with the message about the near-perfect relationship so much so that anything falling short of that “gets the boot.” It is then we who are proved the fool a thousand-times-over: Having “bought into” the fantastic lies, we are now willing to take the first available plane ticket to Timbuktu to escape the “real world stuff.” Bad news, folks: The honeymoon period is over!

Women expect to be given flowers as reminders of the “I love you” emotion. Men expect to say the words once or twice and have women remember the sentiment always. These differences “can” and “do” cause couples to fight, but most people overlook that the fights are not the result of a gendered issue but the lack of understanding on the how-to-deal-with-problems stuff. How do you deal with problems when they emerge from expectations? Simple, really. You realize that expectations hold you hostage and seek to lower your expectations and discuss them with your spouse-to-be/spouse. But most people do not want to admit that they were wrong to have the unrealistic expectations in the first place. Whoever wants to self-proclaim themselves fools and nutty ones at that! So, they skirt around the non-issues to avoid the actual issue. Folks, we do not and cannot control when the next avalanche hits Utah, but we do control expectations we set of ourselves, others, and our relationships. So, keep them “real.” Marriages, folks, are created from the stuff of sweat, tears, and adjustments. Otherworldly experiences and happily-ever-after storylines are reserved for the likes of Disney’s Cinderella.

Marriage is scary. Marriage has risks. But most things in life worth having are both scary and risky. Fear should not hold us back from something we want. Fear of failure. Fear of other people’s mistakes. Fear of loving too much or not enough. All you can do is try to find someone who will prospectively make you happy and adore you for you, your flaws, failings, frivolities, and all. I know, and you know that marriage is important and shouldn’t be entered into lightly. But that is precisely why we are all petrified of the m-word. After all, marriage has no hard and fast rules for success. It does not work for some people, and then it works for others. So, should you marry? The point is you will never know if you have what it takes to sustain a marriage past the difficulties that plague modern couples if you do not at least give the institution a try. I also believe though that marriage is not for everyone, or put it another way, not everyone is meant to get or/and stay married. If you are of the latter category, do not fret; this is not a judgment. In fact, I have yet to find out which category I belong to, which is fine by me as I am not in a hurry to figure the matter out yet.

That being said, I will tell you that despite my best endeavors, I have to admit with some chagrin, I too have somewhat bought into the expectations of how marital unions or “the one” should be like. However, right now, I am not shopping for hubbies, just college supplies. And I am not looking to marriage as the answer to my worldly woes, just looking at and asking some tough questions of/about marriage. In the next five years, I sometimes see myself with a husband and sometimes I don’t; it all depends on my mood. I guess marriage is scarier to me than most people because I have an acute fear of failure in the relationship arena. I know that if and when I will love, I will love deeply and thereby have the potential to be hurt deeply as well.

Moreover, I am not your average-scared-of-marriage person. More like: Scandalized. Walleyed. Dismayed. And all so by the prospect of marriage. (Sighs.) It all boils down to: “I’m terrified!” It is not precisely marriage, I must admit, that frightens; it is the step into the unknown. No matter how much I am persuaded by other people that marriage is fulfilling, I am sometimes simply not swayed by the arguments. Because the argument does not strike a cord. Or address the underlying logic of my reservations, which is my unique disposition and mindset. I rarely readily accept changes in my life. I am a private person and cannot fathom giving my consent to having my personal time and space invaded by an alien. I envy the bird that flies in the sky and builds its nests where it will. I seek complete independence from the need of others. I am loath to risk my heart or love anyone other than my family. I want to experience personal growth without having life or “that someone” change who or all that I am. Alas, I cannot ascertain if I have the emotional capacity to love someone in the romantic way.

If I am not wrong, marriage should provide positive feelings of security and safety in the arms of the one meant for us. But I know that struggles of life make marriage harder everyday. Yet is love worth taking a risk for? Perhaps. Still I am scandalized by the thought of possibly romantically loving my spouse with every fiber of my existence and having him not return my feelings. I am walleyed amidst reflections of my expectations about blissful marital unions. I am dismayed by not knowing if I will ever find someone that will elicit within my stomach the nauseous feeling of being invaded unexpectedly by a thousand butterflies.

Honestly, I have never been in love. So, I do not even know if there is “a one.” Or if romantic love exists. All I can tell you is that I am terrified of the part in life where I wake up and realize that my marriage was a mistake. But I do know this: In marriage, one of the smartest things to do is not run at the first sign of a problem, not make a big issue of the small issues that will inevitably arise in a marital relationship, and frequently self-reflect to understand clearly the bigger picture in the frame of a relationship. And if I do marry, I know I will do the smarter thing.

As a last thought, I leave you with the unbidden, unwanted marriage-related question that seems to always penetrate my mind at the most inopportune of times, “How in the world will I ever discover if I have found the one person that is meant solely for me and who I can be with my entire life and whole heart, mind, body and soul?” I might have understated this question’s significance by introducing and summarizing it as only as a “marriage-related question.” I should say it is the “mother” of all marriage questions. And let me know if you have the answer. And maybe, just maybe, I will provide the answer before you if I find that my reservations about marriage have disappeared after meeting the right individual. One can hope, right?

Sincerely,
Ek Umeed

P.S. Since I am a staunch advocate of arranged marriages and do not support the “getting to know ‘the one’ through dating business” before the marital knot is tied in “desi” cases, I find it hard to guess what kind of marriage I will have if I do decide to get married should I meet the right person. But as in the famous words of askance thrown by mankind towards fate and future at all odd times of human history, I say, “We shall see.” And we shall.