Dear Readers:My sister has a roommate who recently shared the story of a close Muslim friend of hers that had three abortions previously; I will call my sister’s roommate Sabat and this close Muslim friend of her roommate’s Nadira. Apparently, Nadira had made a request to Sabat for the amount of four-hundred dollars to have another abortion. Sabat was looking for advice from my sister as to whether she should give the said amount of money to Nadira, which is why Sabat revealed the story of her friend Nadira to my sister. From what Sabat divulged of Nadira’s background, Nadira comes from a well-to-do family and does not (on the surface at least) lack for anything in the world. My sister had occasion to meet the mother of Nadira at an iftaar party, and my sister discerned that Sabat was right about Nadira’s mother: Nadira’s mother lives in a world of oblivion, ignorant of her daughter’s present unwanted pregnancy and lifestyle choices that made status quo possible. And Nadira’s father is too busy in his role as a bread-winner of the family to heed the goings-on in the life of his own children. In the desi community, the parents of Nadira are snickered and looked down upon behind their backs, but these parents still have no clue about this matter as it pertains to their daughter. After living in the U.S., not much shocks me. But this did shock me. How can any parents be that oblivious to their children’s behavior outside of the home? And though this is a perhaps an extreme example of children behaving in less than desirable manner (an understatement) without their parents’ knowledge, I have to wonder whether cultural or religious values and knowledge were dispensed in this case to the offspring.
I wish to mention that I did not use the real names of the people that I am writing about. However, I deliberately chose the particular name Nadira to represent the girl whom I am referring to because it means “unique.” However, we should all realize by now that these types of cases in the desi community are no longer as “unique” as we would like to believe, which is why the name stands an intended pun within this real-life story. And though I had intended to present more instances to solidify my case against wishy-washy morality in our present generation of desi community, I refrained from doing so because I did not know how I would incorporate these stories into the wider question that I have on morality of this generation. So, though I am not going to present more cases right now, I might have more on the subject in a future post. For now, you are free to take this post with a grain of salt, but I would like you to contemplate some on the subject as I am sure I will.
Sincerely,
Ek Umeed
P.S. Since I am not sure exactly where I am going with this post, I pose a question to you: To what extent are parents responsible for ingraining in their children cultural and religious knowledge and values? And to what extent do the children shoulder the responsibility for the choices they eventually make? (By the way, thanks for taking the time to respond to my earlier posting, and realize that I have responded to each of your remarks in the comments' section of that posting.)
19 comments:
It is a very hard question to answer. I can't really draw a visible line as to where the responsibility of parents stop and where thier children's responsibility start. I think its very subjective.
My friend's Dad is very strict and controlling. However where her dad is strict, her mom gives her a bit of a leeway. They balance eachother out. I think balance is the answer.
My answer : Totally !! THey are the first and last line of morality ! But, BUT ( the but always butts in as the world is grey and not black and white ), parents can take responsibility of only whoing the way, being models and examples. THere is NO way they can force their children to be "good" - definition of good varies - good accroding to them atleast !
If early in life the direction is set properly and course correction is done at times, things will take care of themselves mosly later on ! Since that initial direction setting is the job and responsibility of the parents, they are totally responsible in a way ! Even a minute variation at this time will magnify into huge problems later in life !
Fairydust: Hope you're doing well. :) Yes, I understand what you mean. It is hard to draw a "visible line" when the whole matter really is blurred and "subjective" as you said. But I was intrigued by this question because it is close to the idea that I have that of parents' responsibility to teach and children's duty to adhere to the cultural and religious values. But I am not sure how parents can be expempt from the blame if they did not teach the values properly in the first place to their children. However, children themselves have a responsibility to act in accordance to what is "right" but that is a grey area (as Cheti asserted) because everybody's definition of what is right and wrong varies. (Sighs.)
Cheti: You always come up with the most thought-provoking answer, and I find your answers quite interesting. In other words, you do know how to make this girl think. ;) And hence, it is always good to see you on the blog with a comment. I agree with you completely on this score. And by the way, I loved that line about the but butting in. (Smiles.) And aptly put! Parents do have a responsibility to both teach their children good morals and act as role models for them. However, parents can only do so much before they throw their hands up in the air and say, "You are grown up and can make your own choices." And you are right; parents cannot force their children to be "good." I know what you mean about early direction as I think that is what happened with my sister and me. My parents are good people, but they did not sit us down per se and lectured us on what to do when confronted with situations and/or choices that are different from our desi values. Somehow, unspoken standards were set that we followed. And as a father, I am sure you have concerns about your child growing up and learning the values which are important to you so that he can know both his culture and religion. But you know what really gets me most of the times? It is so hard raising a child abroad because you cannot keep them in a protective bubble. They will be exposed to "the good, the bad, and the ugly" really early on in their lives. I suppose you just have to make sure that they not forget their roots and understand that modernity does not lie in repudiation of one's cultural heritage and/or religious teachings.
OMG three! One would think the body can handle only so many abortions before it is not ready for pregnancy anymore and start on miscarriages.
Yes, some parents are clueless. On another thought, suppose you are a desi uncle/aunty who know about Nadira. should you tell her parents, or interfere?
Mezba, that is a very good question. And honestly, I cannot give a surefire answer but can only speculate. Barring even the questions of whether you should do it or not, think about how the matter also comes down to credibility. If you are the desi uncle or aunt that knows about Nadira and are thinking of informing or do choose to inform her parents, will you be believed or called a liar, busybody, and/or miscreant? And if the parents of Nadira are as clueless as I presume them to be, I am of the mind to say that the messenger will be treated to the latter. (This reminds me: In the old days, kings used to kill messengers that would convey bad news. Though I imagine we do not kill the messengers for bringing the bad news anymore, we certainly do not like them.)
Now, the second part of your implicit essential question lends itself to the point of doing both her and her parents a disservice in not revealing pertinent behavioral information on Nadira to her parents. But I think in most cases, any actions on the part of the person choosing to reveal this information will be constituted as interference in the personal matters of the household. And though I wish someone would tell her parents, I wonder how you are supposed to begin the conversation that basically asserts, "Oh, by the way, your young, unmarried daughter sleeps around. And not only that; but she has managed to get pregnant three times. And she has gotten an equal amount of abortions. Just thought I would let you know." The only situation where I think this tactic might work is if the person revealing this information is a close, trusted relative or friend of the family and whose intentions would not be mistaken for anything but benevolent.
(Shakes head.) I just think the whole matter is sad. I am afraid... Later in life, if and when Nadira gets married, she might have problems conceiving on account of the abortions she previously had. You know, Mezba, the whole business makes me sad. She is a Muslim, and yet the life she lives... (Sighs.)
i have to agree with Fairydust on this one.
But these type of discussions frustrate me cause i cant believe how stupid (forgive me for saying that) ppl can be.....and there is no excuse for blaming parents for THREE problems she's created for herself
Also...what happened to no sex b4 marriage...its there for a reason
Zee, I am glad you said that. Exactly my sentiments! What did happen to no premarital sex? I completely agree with you! I find it extremely sad that Muslims behave in ways that are completely contradictory not only to their religious and cultural values but also their own dignity and self-respect. And I try my best to not judge people, but I sometimes can't help myself from wishing that some Muslims were more in tune with their morality and realized their own mortality. (Sighs.) I just hope she realizes her mistake, although I entertain serious doubts that she will; some people go so far on the wrong path that nothing one does or says will bring them back, save God's will.
nadira should take some responsibility for herself - i.e. not ask her friend for money - how about the father of the child etc. or she could try some birth control by the sound of it.
your question is not actually one question but many. definitely parents are responsible for looking after their kids - and kids are responsible for sorting themselves out. it's not a chicken/egg question - it's a two way thing. the question remains how parents can do a good job parenting - no one has ever been able to give a definitive answer to this question. it all depends. i would say in this case and many others from conservative societies, children feel unable to go to their parents with their problems and questions. Definitely. And that can create a major backlash -like the one we're seeing here I think. If you can't go to your 'mentor' how is that going to work? very difficult. personally i think those situations end up with the parents feeling like they've done their 'duty' of 'telling' the kids what they ought to do or not to do - and that's it. If the kids don't appear to have listened, then they can get angry and who does that help - no one. it also appears to me that a lot of these situations revolve around what the 'community' thinks. Kids need love and self-esteem - that usually helps them develop their own understanding of morals and ethics rather than 'do what i tell you and that's that' . Sometimes that works - but see it all depends on the individual pscyhology of the kid in question.
In any case, i don't know your background, but i lived in dhaka for 2 years from 13-15 and i found out most parents are clueless about what their kids are upto. often they don't want to know in any case! as long as they've got a 'good name' in society and feel they've done their duty..
there are a lot of societal issues which complicates the already difficult question of parenting.
no simple answers sorry.
you know you sound like a very sweet girl. but a lot of people have problems and they don't know who to go for help. Nadira sounds like she could be crying out for attention. but it sounds like people want to either condemn her ( not you actually) for her actions - from what you hint about the community sniggering away - and not necessarily empathize. Condemning someone often makes things worse. well i do think it comes down to personal psychology. my sister always found a simple do this don't do this worked for her. it didn't for me. individuals have to make sense of morality and ethics for themselves at the end of the day otherwise it just becomes something 'external' you do for society/rather than believe in for your own good. etc.
me again: i agree with the person who said it's up to the parents to set a good example. by that i mean to not appear hypocritical - children are very clever and can spot such things a mile off. and yeah early life definitely makes a big difference psychologically so absolutely it is important - but that can go either way. strict parents can often end up in the position where they've alienated their kids and then have no idea what their kids are doing and why. So again - very tough questions.
Sonia, I am in awe of the superb job you’ve done with your analysis that comes off immediately when reading your comments; so, honestly, kudos to you! And I’ll admit that I asked tough questions; and truthfully, I did not really expect to find either consensus or uniformity in answers or an answer that definitively draws a line between the responsibility of either parents or children. And I definitely understand what you’re saying with regard to parents sometimes being overly concerned with the question of their reputation or status in the community; like you said, children instead need love and attention rather than parents’ obsession of community’s opinion about them. And I think you hit the “nail on the head” with your statement, “Sometimes that works—but see, it all depends on the individual psychology of the kid in question.” But I think what surprised me the most about this scenario is not only that Nadira would commit such actions but that her parents would not know even know “a, b, c” so-to-speak of the double life that her actions imply she is leading. Honestly, one aspect of parenting that I think most parents fail to understand, especially in desi culture, is that you need to be involved in your child’s life; ultimately, that is what will keep or at least make your child think twice from committing actions that are not in accordance with religious or cultural values. And I think that is what really shocked me; I believe such ignorance of a child’s actions outside of home on the part of a parent can only stem from not being enough involved in their children’s lives. And after reading everybody’s comments and having discussed subjects such as this on previous occasions with my younger sister and parents, I strongly believe that each parents’ responsibility lies in not only ingraining values but also being involved in their child’s life as both a guide and a friend.
Sonia, as far as your second comment goes, I am glad that you brought the matter up. Though I find that I cannot condemn Nadira, I do find that I cannot stand in approval of the choices she has made. Well, from what my sister told me, the social circle of Nadira’s parents knows to some degree (though how much I cannot say) about what Nadira does, which leads them to gossip about Nadira’s behavior and her parents’ parenting skills or, rather, lack thereof behind their backs. In the desi community, a child’s actions are a direct reflection of the type of upbringing his or parents give to the child. Therefore, I cannot say that I am surprised that the social circle stands in condemnation of both Nadira and her parents (though no one has apparently dared to utter a word of this to her parents or to her). Honestly, if my parents had not taught me that I am not in a position to judge anybody because I am not the Almighty, perhaps I too have strongly condemned Nadira. I have had a conservative upbringing; I believe neither in premarital sex or abortions, but I cannot say that I do not find Nadira’s choices or actions personally irresponsible and morally and religiously reprehensible when I do.
Sonia, as far as your third comment goes, I will tell you that I did not find your comments hypocritical at all; in fact, I found them to be both human and expected. And again, I have to say that you did a wonderful job at not only supporting your assertions but making a great case overall for your points. :) That was some really, really good stuff! ;)
So, let me take this opportunity to say this as both a conclusion to the topic and a personal assertion: Culpability of both good and bad actions lies with the parents initially as they are supposed to ingrain in their children the cultural, moral, and religious values that they want followed. However, after a certain point, the child internalizes those same values in a manner that suits ideas that he/she develops of his/her own accord from observing the world and living in it unprotected from the “good, the bad, and the ugly.” A child then cannot be expected to blindly follow the dictates of behavior or values taught by his/her parents. However, it is of some point to emphasize that parents must remain involved in their child’s life as a role model, a guide, a philosopher, and a friend if they expect even an iota of cooperation on the part of their child in not only following but understanding why certain codes of actions exist and need to be followed.
Correction: For my comment of 1:29 p.m., I wanted to say, "Honestly, if my parents had not taught me that I am not in a position to judge anybody because I am not the Almighty, perhaps I too 'would' have strongly condemned Nadira." The "would" is missing in my typo of the sentence that I wrote initially, which gives the false impression that I condemn Nadira when in reality all I do is not care for (i.e. approve of) her choices. What I meant to say and reiterate is that I do not and cannot condemn Nadira because I am no entity to judge anybody as I am not God. I just thought I would clarify that statement because the meaning of what I said is completely changed in context of my assertion. Thanks. And I apologize to my readers if I gave the wrong impression.
not to worry ek umeed that typo must have slipped past me - i thought you were doing a great job not sounding 'judgemental' but simply asking some frank = and difficult questions - which i agree should be asked. better to ask than take these things for granted eh! as far as i can see parenting is the most difficult task known to man and not something that's much discussed. you're obviously a thoughtful person and i respect that. :-)
i think you've hit the nail on the head when you mention the words friend and guide.
Mashallah..i am starting to love your blog. It makes my mind sprout new brain cells.
*teeth*
Aww, Fairydust, thanks for the compliment; I am glad you like my blog. :) I like yours too. ;)
ok EU - time to update:))))))
im missing the gr8 posts ;)
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