Marriage: To Do OR Not to Do? That is the question. PART 2

Dear Readers:

From observing people getting married over the years, I have understood one thing very clearly about marriage in the desi culture. Most people simply get married to be married. The reasons are shallow and I would find them hilarious if people were only not so serious about these considerations in making their final say of “yay” or “nay” to “getting hitched.” I will list for you the top fifteen reasons you will find a desi couple getting married. And remember that they might not admit the exact nature of their persuasion in this matter to even themselves, let alone you. But the desi mentality is at its most imaginative regarding the marital noose and here are my comical answers to the proverbial wisdom of our desi community regarding the need to “get married”:

Their Reasons and My Answers:

1. 1. I am getting old enough to marry and should marry before I am officially considered “old” by desi community standards. “No, you are too immature if you think that is a good reason to get married.”
2. 2. I need to settle down now that I have had my share of fun. “Settling down does not require a spouse; it only requires you lying down on an overpriced La-Z-Boy recliner and relaxing.”
3. 3. I am starting to crack under the family pressure to find a wife/husband. “If family is the source of your woes, you can bet your million dollars (I know you don’t really have a million dollars, you idiot) that you ain’t the only one!”
4. 4. My cousins are getting married and almost all of my friends are married. I should get married as well. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, uh? “If a person is jumping in the well, should you as well? If the answer is yes…”
5. 5. I am tired of attending weddings; I should have one of my own. “Start attending funerals. Now, that will be a nice change of pace. Personally, I have never been a fan of…”
6. 6. I will get lots of free gifts; that in itself is a good reason. “Want free gifts? Why didn’t you tell me that before? Let’s go to Wal-Mart. I believe they always somewhere in their store ‘a buy one, get one free’ sale. I know it is not the same thing but pretty darn close, wouldn’t you say?”
7. 7. I have finished all my studies; I am ready. “Ready for what? So just because you can now spell masochism, pulchritude, and flocci­nauci­nihili­pilification, you are ready? I am sorry to burst your bubble, honey, but that hardly qualifies you for cleaning my bathroom, let alone getting married to an unsuspecting fool.”
8. 8. I need companionship. “For God’s sake, get a pet.”
9. 9. I am not satisfied with my life. “Well, who really is?”
10. 10. I like kids; I want kids. “If you want kids, place an advertisement in the newspaper asking parents to give you their kids for free. You will be harassed until death does part you from your self-inflicted misery.”
11. 11. I will get extra help around my place from a spouse. “Get a maid, a gardener, a carpenter, a butler, a driver, or a robot—‘whatever floats your boat.’ I know the service costs money, but it is getting the work done that matters to you, right?”
12. 12. I know my family will be happy. “Why didn’t you tell me this before? Let your family marry the person then.”
13. 13. I hate eating my meals alone. “Find an inflatable doll.”
14. 14. I have no one to take care of me when I am sick. “What is the telephone number of your mother?” (On the phone—connected to Mrs. So-and-so) Haan, hello, aunty? ______________ is sick.”
15. 15. I hate the silence of my home. “Do you have a stereo? A television? Just turn it on and ‘boom’—bye-bye, silence.”

On a serious note, I hardly think that people getting married for any of those reasons is right. People should not marry without thinking about the consequences of their decision. Marriage partners are not like purchases from a store where you have a return or an exchange policy. People should not marry until they are absolutely convinced (without any convincing or interference from any person) that this is what they want to do. Before someone gets married, they should think about the ways their life will change in. Ask yourself: “Am I really mentally prepared for the changes in my life from getting married?”

Moreover, I have seen people get married for the wrong reason(s) and later regret it. An example in my near relatives of this mistake is a male cousin. He was eager to get married because he felt he was “getting old” according to the desi standards. He was even eager to lose his bachelorhood for he had completed his academics, had found a well-paying job, and it seemed to him that the step of “marriage” was a natural progression of his desi life. One year later, he was divorced and had sworn to never get married again. And this is the first divorced person in the very long history of my grandfather’s ancestry from my paternal side. He is not the only example of a marriage yielding not so happy results (an understatement). I have seen other couples finding it hard to work out the problems that occur in marriage because the process of getting married and the reasons for it were not fully thought through in the first place.

I always find it annoying when someone presents a problem, but does not present possible alternatives or solutions to the posed issue. This is precisely why I will write of my opinion on the best reasons for getting married. The best reason for getting married is finding someone that you both like and respect. The person that you pick for a partner should have the quality and potential for eliciting from you an emotional intensity that is unlike anything you have ever felt in your life. The object of your affection should also have a high regard for you in return and should be willing to “love, honor, and cherish you” for a lifetime. You should be able to imagine sharing your secrets with this person if you so choose or desire. And this is cynical ol’ me talking. (Laughs).

Folks, I do not believe in “soul mates,” but I believe in this saying, “There is someone for everyone.” Most people, however, choose to compromise in as big and serious a matter as marriage. They choose to get married for the simple sake of getting married as per the conventional wisdom of the top fifteen desi reasons. Do yourself and that someone a favor. Until you feel absolutely sure that the time is right, in your heart and mind, for you to get married, do not think about getting married. If you feel any misgivings in your soul about getting married to the person you have seen and met, do not get married. Get married only if feel a little “zazazu” and are sure that this is your “undekha anjaana” or “undekhi anjaani” of your pining. I know you love your family and want them to be happy, but remember that their happiness lies in your happiness. If you later find yourself unhappy in a marriage, they will be heartbroken for a lifetime. On the other hand, they might be disappointed for a short while if you say “no” and express your wish of waiting a while longer or not liking the person that they have introduced you to, but they will recover from the matter soon enough. There are so many things in life that you can toy with, but marriage—nah. So, think a little before you “take the plunge.” To think the matter of marriage through thoroughly might just be the best decision of your life.

Sincerely,
Ek Umeed

P.S. Do share your thoughts.