Marriage: To Do OR Not to Do? That is the question. PART 1

Dear Readers:

Marriage is a sacred institution. My parents come from a long line of arranged marriages spanning over many generations. My father is of a strict nature while my mother is more of a lenient nature. My mother is quick to embrace laughter while my father is of a calmer disposition. My father is tall, and my mother is not. Though they could not be more opposite of each other than day and night, heaven and earth, yet they were able to make their marriage work. However, there is a secret to my parent’s successful marriage. But I will get to that later. In a marriage, ideally, the couple should be each other’s partners and equals.

However, my father has always had an iron will and a wont to have an upper hand. My father is a very loving man, but unfortunately, also domineering. Once when my father was driving me, I distinctly remember a remark that my father casually made in response to something said in our conversation, “Your mother is helpless without me. She wouldn’t be able to manage our business if I were gone even for a few days out of town, let alone a considerable period of time.” His observation was in reference to the possibility of his return to the Gulf to earn money as a means of adding to our finances. I remember thinking, “What is wrong with my mother? She works extremely hard, possesses a common sense sharper than most people’s minds, has pointed business acumen, and is courageous.” But my father could not see beyond her gender to her inner strength and the warrior within. Now, some might assume here that my father is a male chauvinist and a product of his conservative upbringing in India. But he is not a masculinist in all regards, for he would never have encouraged me to pursue my dreams and ambitions otherwise. He would not wish for me to attain my ambition of attaining higher education through law school if he did not have a more open mind. It is only where his wife is concerned that he encounters difficulty in realizing her worth as a person who recognizes her own potential and carries a secret desire of reaching for the stars and touching the sky. He does realize that she has needs, wants, and desires, but he does not truly grasp the notion of her search for accomplishment apart from the sphere of the hearth. My father does not treat her badly; in fact, I believe he cares deeply for her and bears an affection so great for her that he cannot fathom living his life without her. But it is just that he has never considered her in the light of an equal, but she is his equal in every respect. That's why I sometimes think: "What if I ended up with a husband that shared a similar outlook on the matter of a wife?"

My parent’s secret of a successful marriage is my mother’s sacrifices as a woman. My mother does not have a separate identify of her own, though I know she yearns for it. She has spoken of her dreams, but she does not live her dreams due to her responsibilities towards her children and husband. It is this that really bothers me about the conventional Indian marriage. Though people often speak of compromises in marriage, it is an unspoken but understood principle that the woman will make the most compromises and sacrifices in a relationship. It is this male-centric ideology in Indian culture that is troublesome.

Now, if I say I want to be equals with a husband, most people of desi origin will frown upon me. They will think me one of those modern girls and proceed to shake their heads at me in silence, mock horror, and pity. People often cite this need of a woman for a self detached from the marital relationship and homemaker ideology as “American-ness” seeping into the mentality, a type of nonsensical quest that will lead to divorce. However, I am a traditional girl. Just because I desire consideration in a relationship as equals does not mean that I am denying my femininity or will be a neglectful wife or mother. It just means that I want to be able to live my dreams too. If I was a man, I would not be questioned for it, but as a female, I am. If that is not hypocrisy at its worst, I don’t know what is. That is why I have reservations about marriage, but that is not the only reason—in fact—far from it; I am merely getting started. Since I wish to explore this subject more in depth and raise some thought-provoking questions on marriage, I will probably have three posts on the same.

Sincerely,
Ek Umeed

P.S. Think deeply on the subject.