Marriage: To Do OR Not to Do? That is the question. PART 2

Dear Readers:

From observing people getting married over the years, I have understood one thing very clearly about marriage in the desi culture. Most people simply get married to be married. The reasons are shallow and I would find them hilarious if people were only not so serious about these considerations in making their final say of “yay” or “nay” to “getting hitched.” I will list for you the top fifteen reasons you will find a desi couple getting married. And remember that they might not admit the exact nature of their persuasion in this matter to even themselves, let alone you. But the desi mentality is at its most imaginative regarding the marital noose and here are my comical answers to the proverbial wisdom of our desi community regarding the need to “get married”:

Their Reasons and My Answers:

1. 1. I am getting old enough to marry and should marry before I am officially considered “old” by desi community standards. “No, you are too immature if you think that is a good reason to get married.”
2. 2. I need to settle down now that I have had my share of fun. “Settling down does not require a spouse; it only requires you lying down on an overpriced La-Z-Boy recliner and relaxing.”
3. 3. I am starting to crack under the family pressure to find a wife/husband. “If family is the source of your woes, you can bet your million dollars (I know you don’t really have a million dollars, you idiot) that you ain’t the only one!”
4. 4. My cousins are getting married and almost all of my friends are married. I should get married as well. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, uh? “If a person is jumping in the well, should you as well? If the answer is yes…”
5. 5. I am tired of attending weddings; I should have one of my own. “Start attending funerals. Now, that will be a nice change of pace. Personally, I have never been a fan of…”
6. 6. I will get lots of free gifts; that in itself is a good reason. “Want free gifts? Why didn’t you tell me that before? Let’s go to Wal-Mart. I believe they always somewhere in their store ‘a buy one, get one free’ sale. I know it is not the same thing but pretty darn close, wouldn’t you say?”
7. 7. I have finished all my studies; I am ready. “Ready for what? So just because you can now spell masochism, pulchritude, and flocci­nauci­nihili­pilification, you are ready? I am sorry to burst your bubble, honey, but that hardly qualifies you for cleaning my bathroom, let alone getting married to an unsuspecting fool.”
8. 8. I need companionship. “For God’s sake, get a pet.”
9. 9. I am not satisfied with my life. “Well, who really is?”
10. 10. I like kids; I want kids. “If you want kids, place an advertisement in the newspaper asking parents to give you their kids for free. You will be harassed until death does part you from your self-inflicted misery.”
11. 11. I will get extra help around my place from a spouse. “Get a maid, a gardener, a carpenter, a butler, a driver, or a robot—‘whatever floats your boat.’ I know the service costs money, but it is getting the work done that matters to you, right?”
12. 12. I know my family will be happy. “Why didn’t you tell me this before? Let your family marry the person then.”
13. 13. I hate eating my meals alone. “Find an inflatable doll.”
14. 14. I have no one to take care of me when I am sick. “What is the telephone number of your mother?” (On the phone—connected to Mrs. So-and-so) Haan, hello, aunty? ______________ is sick.”
15. 15. I hate the silence of my home. “Do you have a stereo? A television? Just turn it on and ‘boom’—bye-bye, silence.”

On a serious note, I hardly think that people getting married for any of those reasons is right. People should not marry without thinking about the consequences of their decision. Marriage partners are not like purchases from a store where you have a return or an exchange policy. People should not marry until they are absolutely convinced (without any convincing or interference from any person) that this is what they want to do. Before someone gets married, they should think about the ways their life will change in. Ask yourself: “Am I really mentally prepared for the changes in my life from getting married?”

Moreover, I have seen people get married for the wrong reason(s) and later regret it. An example in my near relatives of this mistake is a male cousin. He was eager to get married because he felt he was “getting old” according to the desi standards. He was even eager to lose his bachelorhood for he had completed his academics, had found a well-paying job, and it seemed to him that the step of “marriage” was a natural progression of his desi life. One year later, he was divorced and had sworn to never get married again. And this is the first divorced person in the very long history of my grandfather’s ancestry from my paternal side. He is not the only example of a marriage yielding not so happy results (an understatement). I have seen other couples finding it hard to work out the problems that occur in marriage because the process of getting married and the reasons for it were not fully thought through in the first place.

I always find it annoying when someone presents a problem, but does not present possible alternatives or solutions to the posed issue. This is precisely why I will write of my opinion on the best reasons for getting married. The best reason for getting married is finding someone that you both like and respect. The person that you pick for a partner should have the quality and potential for eliciting from you an emotional intensity that is unlike anything you have ever felt in your life. The object of your affection should also have a high regard for you in return and should be willing to “love, honor, and cherish you” for a lifetime. You should be able to imagine sharing your secrets with this person if you so choose or desire. And this is cynical ol’ me talking. (Laughs).

Folks, I do not believe in “soul mates,” but I believe in this saying, “There is someone for everyone.” Most people, however, choose to compromise in as big and serious a matter as marriage. They choose to get married for the simple sake of getting married as per the conventional wisdom of the top fifteen desi reasons. Do yourself and that someone a favor. Until you feel absolutely sure that the time is right, in your heart and mind, for you to get married, do not think about getting married. If you feel any misgivings in your soul about getting married to the person you have seen and met, do not get married. Get married only if feel a little “zazazu” and are sure that this is your “undekha anjaana” or “undekhi anjaani” of your pining. I know you love your family and want them to be happy, but remember that their happiness lies in your happiness. If you later find yourself unhappy in a marriage, they will be heartbroken for a lifetime. On the other hand, they might be disappointed for a short while if you say “no” and express your wish of waiting a while longer or not liking the person that they have introduced you to, but they will recover from the matter soon enough. There are so many things in life that you can toy with, but marriage—nah. So, think a little before you “take the plunge.” To think the matter of marriage through thoroughly might just be the best decision of your life.

Sincerely,
Ek Umeed

P.S. Do share your thoughts.

Marriage: To Do OR Not to Do? That is the question. PART 1

Dear Readers:

Marriage is a sacred institution. My parents come from a long line of arranged marriages spanning over many generations. My father is of a strict nature while my mother is more of a lenient nature. My mother is quick to embrace laughter while my father is of a calmer disposition. My father is tall, and my mother is not. Though they could not be more opposite of each other than day and night, heaven and earth, yet they were able to make their marriage work. However, there is a secret to my parent’s successful marriage. But I will get to that later. In a marriage, ideally, the couple should be each other’s partners and equals.

However, my father has always had an iron will and a wont to have an upper hand. My father is a very loving man, but unfortunately, also domineering. Once when my father was driving me, I distinctly remember a remark that my father casually made in response to something said in our conversation, “Your mother is helpless without me. She wouldn’t be able to manage our business if I were gone even for a few days out of town, let alone a considerable period of time.” His observation was in reference to the possibility of his return to the Gulf to earn money as a means of adding to our finances. I remember thinking, “What is wrong with my mother? She works extremely hard, possesses a common sense sharper than most people’s minds, has pointed business acumen, and is courageous.” But my father could not see beyond her gender to her inner strength and the warrior within. Now, some might assume here that my father is a male chauvinist and a product of his conservative upbringing in India. But he is not a masculinist in all regards, for he would never have encouraged me to pursue my dreams and ambitions otherwise. He would not wish for me to attain my ambition of attaining higher education through law school if he did not have a more open mind. It is only where his wife is concerned that he encounters difficulty in realizing her worth as a person who recognizes her own potential and carries a secret desire of reaching for the stars and touching the sky. He does realize that she has needs, wants, and desires, but he does not truly grasp the notion of her search for accomplishment apart from the sphere of the hearth. My father does not treat her badly; in fact, I believe he cares deeply for her and bears an affection so great for her that he cannot fathom living his life without her. But it is just that he has never considered her in the light of an equal, but she is his equal in every respect. That's why I sometimes think: "What if I ended up with a husband that shared a similar outlook on the matter of a wife?"

My parent’s secret of a successful marriage is my mother’s sacrifices as a woman. My mother does not have a separate identify of her own, though I know she yearns for it. She has spoken of her dreams, but she does not live her dreams due to her responsibilities towards her children and husband. It is this that really bothers me about the conventional Indian marriage. Though people often speak of compromises in marriage, it is an unspoken but understood principle that the woman will make the most compromises and sacrifices in a relationship. It is this male-centric ideology in Indian culture that is troublesome.

Now, if I say I want to be equals with a husband, most people of desi origin will frown upon me. They will think me one of those modern girls and proceed to shake their heads at me in silence, mock horror, and pity. People often cite this need of a woman for a self detached from the marital relationship and homemaker ideology as “American-ness” seeping into the mentality, a type of nonsensical quest that will lead to divorce. However, I am a traditional girl. Just because I desire consideration in a relationship as equals does not mean that I am denying my femininity or will be a neglectful wife or mother. It just means that I want to be able to live my dreams too. If I was a man, I would not be questioned for it, but as a female, I am. If that is not hypocrisy at its worst, I don’t know what is. That is why I have reservations about marriage, but that is not the only reason—in fact—far from it; I am merely getting started. Since I wish to explore this subject more in depth and raise some thought-provoking questions on marriage, I will probably have three posts on the same.

Sincerely,
Ek Umeed

P.S. Think deeply on the subject.

Fear Cripples, and Absolute Fear Cripples Absolutely

Dear Readers:

Fears change as we grow; but the nature of fear never changes. Fear is an irrationality that most people cannot explain to themselves or others. Though the Quran says that we should fear only God, most people experience fear over things other than the Almighty’s power and His undeniable hold on our lives.

Ever since the media has started perpetuating the worst possible image of Islam, Americans have lived in a state of unrelenting fear concerning Muslims. They do not want another September 11th tragedy to occur and seek protection from those that they are afraid will harm the United States. I understand the fear, but I must know. Will you let the actions of a few speak for and represent me as a Muslim? I am a dutiful daughter, a loving sister, a loyal friend, and a diligent student.

I stand before you and openly condemn the abomination committed by the hijackers that fateful day. But to most Americans, I am still one of them. But I am not a terrorist. Do you want me to grovel for the mistakes that I did not commit? I readily will do that. Do you want me to suffer? I am suffering. But you will not find peace of mind unless you let go of your fear of me. I am one of you. Please accept that I have a heart in my bosom, that I bleed the same color you do when I get hurt, that even I get frustrated with a bad nose congestion. I too have good days and bad days. I am not any different than you. But more importantly, I could be your daughter, your sister, your friend, or your student. And I know I am not. But I could be. And just in case, I accidentally run into you, I promise to smile so that you will know that we share and speak the same language of humanity.

Sincerely,
Ek Umeed

"Being Pretty Ain't All That"

Dear Readers:

Ever since I was a kid, I had been told by “desi” aunties and uncles that I was a really pretty girl. People said it so many times that I had no choice but to accept their words as they’d all but shoved them down my throat innumerable times. As a child, I cannot say that I did not like being complimented, but I had always wanted to be appreciated for more than my external attributes. I had other qualities; as a child, I had always had an inquisitive nature; I asked endlessly both meaningful and meaningless questions (more of the former than the latter). I was a planner; I imagined my future and concocted all sorts of schemes in my mind to successfully fulfill my dreams of where I would stand years later. I would, more often than not, invent games to amuse myself and others. I created artistic designs for my drawings and paintings; I would win art competitions and be awarded for my talent by the judges. I was a well-behaved child; wherever I went, I was polite to the hosts of whom we were guests of at boring dinner parties that my parents dragged my sister and I along to. Moreover, I had been insightful about situations and people in a way that would always astound people. Still, most people failed to see that; I felt they did not really see me.

As I grew up, the situation did not resolve itself; in some ways, it worsened. Wherever I went, people often presumed without proof that I either lacked intelligence or had tantrum problems. It didn’t matter that I had exhibited none of the faults that they seemed eager to find within me. When I found that I could not compete with their baseless perceptions of me, I began to sometimes use that perception to my advantage. When a teacher thought I couldn’t understand something, she was willing to go the “extra mile” to explain because I was a little slow on the uptake of grasping concepts, gleaning theoretical knowledge, and applying learned knowledge. When I sat like a doll among adults as they were conversing, they were quick to ignore me; I was even quicker to observe their dialogues. With interest, I listened to their mundane and private conversations. I guess it was not wholly their fault in never regarding me as more than what I appeared to be; I had been reticent and shy as a child. Though people were quick to realize that I did not have any attitude issues, they were slower to dismiss the “lack of intelligence” nonsense on account of how I looked.

When I went to college, I had told myself that I would have a different experience; I wasn’t going to sit behind the scenes, letting others judge me. So, I became outgoing and more willing to engage in friendships with my classmates. To “go the whole ten yards” so-to-speak, I even ran for student elections in my freshman year. As I was passing by dorm halls asking people to please vote for me, a boy watching me asserted, “I would love to vote for you, but you will have to come into my room and give me some incentive.” He winked at me and grinned suggestively. The meaning was clear. And I was angry. What had I ever done to a virtual stranger to cast an impression of promiscuity? I was surprised but did not allow my facial expression to convey either my anger, the umbrage I felt, or the need to run far away from the lasciviousness of such disgusting individuals. I just looked him straight in the eye and said, “No, thank you.” After the incident, suddenly, I felt tired from the exertion of making small talk with people and asking them to vote for me. I did not go through all the halls as per my original intention; and I did not win the student elections, but I did not care much. I had accomplished something just by trying; for now, that was enough for me.

Most people judge me from how I look, especially desi people. I can dress the matter up in any manner I want to, yet the fact remains. Though I have accepted that people will choose to judge me by what they want to, I am still annoyed by their presumptions and initial impressions of me. It is true “beauty is only skin deep,” but that does not mean that every person you find “pretty” is superficial or will appreciate being condescended to or dismissed in such manner. Maybe the reason for such hoopla over how anyone looks in Indian culture is because people's stances in life are shaped partly by how they look and feel. Maybe it has to do with Bollywood depicting anyone remotely attractive as having attitude problems. But please, people, really, do you have to judge someone by how they look? If I ever marry, and that is a big if (will explain in later post), Insha-Allah, I will marry someone who understands that I have more to offer than just that triviality. If I say so myself, “Being pretty ain’t all that.”

Sincerely,
Ek Umeed